The Growing Pains of Outgrowing Friendships
Series: Hey wait, that’s me!
You sit across from a friend at your favorite coffee shop, trying to fill the silence with small talk, but the words feel forced. The conversations that used to flow effortlessly now circle around the same “How are you? Good. How about you?” loop. You share something you’re excited about—a new passion or discovery—but instead of connection, you’re met with blank stares or a quick pivot to gossip about mutual acquaintances. It hits you: the dynamic has changed. The people you thought would be in your life forever—childhood friends, college roommates, coworkers—now feel like strangers.
If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone. Outgrowing friendships is one of the most bittersweet parts of growing up. It’s okay to feel sad about it. In fact, it’s necessary to grieve these shifts, even as you celebrate your growth.
I work with many 20-something clients, and one of the most common themes I see is the heartbreak that comes with recognizing a friendship has run its course. It’s a grief that isn’t often talked about, but it’s very real. We hear, “It’s about quality over quantity,” and while that’s true, it doesn’t take away the sting of seeing the quantity dwindle.
Think about it: in high school or college, you were likely surrounded by friends every day. You shared interests, routines, and experiences that made it easy to feel deeply connected. But life doesn’t stay still. As you step into new chapters—starting a career, moving cities, prioritizing responsibilities—life becomes a balancing act. The rhythm that once kept you in sync with your friends now feels offbeat. In these moments, you’re not just juggling work and bills; you’re also learning who you are. You’re unlearning old patterns, exploring new perspectives, and growing into a version of yourself that feels more authentic. But growth, as beautiful as it is, doesn’t always happen at the same pace for everyone.
When you reconnect with old friends, sometimes it’s magical—they’ve grown in ways that align with your journey. These are the friendships that feel like home, no matter how much time has passed. You can pick up where you left off as though no time has passed, and those moments feel like a gift. But other times, you realize that while you’ve moved forward, they’ve stayed in a place that no longer resonates with you. And that’s not inherently bad. Everyone grows—or stays—in ways that feel right for them. But when one person evolves while the other remains rooted in old patterns, the friendship can start to feel strained. The connection that once felt effortless becomes work. And it’s okay to mourn that.
Mourning a friendship doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for the good times. Those memories of laughter and deep connection don’t disappear just because the relationship has changed. Sometimes we hold on too long afraid to let go because it feels like an admission that the friendship wasn’t meaningful. But the truth is not all friendships are meant to last forever. Some are seasonal, entering your life to teach you, support you, or simply share joy during a specific chapter. And just because a friendship ends doesn’t mean it wasn’t valuable. The value of a relationship isn’t measured by its length but by the impact it had on your life. That childhood friend who helped you navigate the awkwardness of adolescence? That college roommate who stayed up all night with you, dreaming about the future? They played pivotal roles in shaping who you are. It’s okay to feel gratitude for the role a friend played in your life, even as you recognize that it’s time to let them go.
It’s also okay to crave friendships that grow alongside you—friendships that challenge and inspire you as you continue to evolve. These are the connections that feel energizing, not draining. The ones where you can show up as your authentic self, flaws and all, and feel accepted. They may not come as easily or as frequently as friendships did when you were younger, but they are worth the wait.
Losing friends as you get older can feel like a shock to the system. You might wonder, “Is it me? Am I a bad friend?” Let me reassure you: this is a normal part of growth. Relationships naturally shift as we discover who we are and what we need. It’s not about rejecting your old friends or erasing the history you share. It’s about making space for the friendships that align with who you are now and who you’re becoming. It’s about finding people who celebrate your growth and walk beside you as you continue your journey. And yes, sometimes the loss feels deeply personal. It’s hard not to take it personally when someone drifts away, even if the drift is mutual. But letting go of old friendships isn’t a failure. It’s a testament to your growth. You’re stepping into a version of yourself that’s truer, braver, and more aligned with your values, and that’s worth celebrating!
Grieving doesn’t mean you stop caring. You can honor a friendship’s significance without needing it to last forever. Some connections fade quietly, while others end abruptly, leaving you with unanswered questions or lingering hurt. Both are valid, and both are hard. Take the time you need to process the loss, whether through journaling, confiding in someone you trust, or simply sitting with your emotions. Growth isn’t always tidy, and that’s okay. It’s okay to grieve what was. Give yourself permission to sit with the sadness, to honor the connection you once shared. And don’t forget to embrace what’s ahead. You’re not losing friends—you’re making room for the connections that will nurture the person you’re becoming. The right people will stay. The ones who see you, understand you, and grow with you are the ones who matter.
And as you let go, remember that this isn’t just a story about loss—it’s a story about transformation. Every goodbye makes space for a new hello. Every friendship that fades creates room for the ones that will light you up in ways you can’t yet imagine. Your growth is a gift, and the people who are meant to be in your life will recognize that gift and cherish it.
So, if your friend group feels smaller, if you’re feeling lonely or unsure, know this: You’re not alone. You’re not doing life wrong. You’re growing, and that’s a beautiful, brave thing. Keep growing. You’ve got this.
Ready to navigate complicated transitions in your relationships?
Navigating the ebb and flow of friendships can be challenging. If you're struggling with the changes in your social circle, consider seeking support from a therapist. Angel City Therapy offers a compassionate and supportive environment to explore these feelings and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Schedule a consultation today and begin your journey towards greater emotional well-being.
Contact us today to start your journey towards a happier, healthier relationship. Set up a therapy appointment today with Angel City Therapy and start the journey today.
