Fishing for Stability: Navigating Borderline Personality Disorder in Families

Series: Mental Health in Media

If you’ve seen the “Fishes” episode from Hulu’s The Bear, you know just how intense it gets. For some viewers, it’s like a wild rollercoaster—exciting but also a little nerve-wracking, like watching a car crash that you can’t look away from. But for those who grew up with a parent who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), it can feel way too real. The chaos, the unpredictability, and the emotional strain hit home. While some might see it as entertainment, others find it triggering, uncomfortable, or even strangely cathartic. This isn’t just a story; it’s a glimpse into a lived reality for many.

Let’s dive into what BPD really is, how it impacts family dynamics, and how the Berzatto family in The Bear captures all of this in such a relatable way. We’ll touch on both the clinical side and the emotional impact, focusing on how the Berzatos navigate these choppy waters.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

Borderline Personality Disorder is all about intense emotions and unstable relationships. People with BPD often face rapid mood swings and struggle with their sense of identity, leading to impulsive behaviors and difficulty managing feelings. At the heart of it, BPD comes from a deep fear of abandonment. This fear usually develops early in life, often rooted in relationships with caregivers who were inconsistent—sometimes there, sometimes not.

When someone with BPD feels close to someone, they see that person as their source of love and support, putting them on a pedestal. But even the smallest slight can flip the script, making them feel overwhelmed with fear and anger. In those moments, they might see that same loved one as “bad.” This rapid shift reflects their internal struggle between craving connection and fearing rejection.

You might have heard the phrase “I hate you, don’t leave me.” It perfectly captures the emotional rollercoaster of BPD relationships. The intense shifts between love and hate stem from difficulty navigating the gray areas in between. This all-or-nothing thinking is a defense mechanism. It feels safer to push someone away than to risk getting hurt. Unfortunately, this strategy often creates instability in relationships, making it hard for them to find lasting security and balance.

How BPD Affects Family Dynamics

When a parent has BPD, it creates a challenging and unpredictable atmosphere for the whole family. One of the biggest effects is the emotional instability that the parent experiences. Their frequent mood swings can leave family members feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid setting off the parent’s emotions. This tension makes it tough for anyone to feel truly relaxed or secure at home.

The parent’s fear of abandonment often shows up as clinginess or an overwhelming need for reassurance from their family. They might demand a lot of attention and emotional support, putting a huge strain on family members—especially kids—who may feel responsible for managing their parent’s feelings. This role reversal can lead to confusion, frustration, and resentment, as children take on responsibilities far beyond their years.

Relationships within the family can also get tangled up because the parent swings between idealizing and devaluing family members. One moment a child might feel like the parent’s favorite, and the next, they might feel totally rejected. This emotional rollercoaster creates chaos, making it hard for siblings and other family members to maintain stable, trusting relationships with each other or with the parent.

The Berzatto Family: Navigating Turbulent Waters in “Fishes”

Let’s dive into the heart of the matter! In the “Fishes” episode of The Bear, the Berzatto family vividly illustrates what it’s like to grow up with a parent who has BPD. Donna, the mother of Carmy, Sugar, and their late brother Mikey, hosts a chaotic Christmas dinner where her emotional ups and downs take center stage. Each child adapts to this instability by taking on specific roles to survive the turmoil.

Sugar becomes the family peacemaker, always trying to manage her mother’s emotions and keep the peace. She’s the one smoothing things over, mediating conflicts, and doing her best to protect everyone from Donna’s emotional outbursts. During the dinner, Sugar senses something’s off with Donna and tries to check in on her. But Donna explodes, interpreting Sugar’s concern as an attack rather than an act of love. This interaction shows how tough it can be for family members to support someone who misreads even the kindest gestures.

Mikey, their late brother, battled his own emotional instability and addiction while dealing with the weight of their mother’s volatility and the family restaurant. He often took on the role of protector, trying to bring warmth and stability to Carmy and Sugar, all while carrying his own heavy burdens. Sadly, this pressure became too much for him, and his struggles led to his tragic death by suicide. The episode captures Mikey’s inner turmoil during a heart-wrenching conversation with his uncle, highlighting the emotional toll he endured.

Carmy, on the other hand, tends to withdraw and dissociate. To cope with the chaos, he retreats into himself, distancing himself from the emotional intensity around him. Growing up with a mom who has BPD, he internalized the need to be “perfect” because that felt like the only way to gain acceptance and safety in Donna’s unpredictable world. This perfectionism is his trauma response; any perceived flaw could lead to rejection. In the final scene, as Carmy stares at a tray of cannolis, it becomes clear that his cooking isn’t driven by love or passion—it’s driven by fear. For him, culinary precision is a way to find control in a world that feels anything but safe.

The episode reaches a peak when Donna drives her car through the front window of the house. For someone with BPD, impulsive actions like this often express deep-seated turmoil—a desperate plea to be noticed amid overwhelming emotions. This powerful moment encapsulates the struggles that define the Berzatto family and the profound impact of living with a parent affected by BPD.

Hope for Calm Waters: Finding Support for Families Affected by BPD

Living with a parent who has BPD can take a heavy toll on family relationships. The constant need to manage unpredictable moods, the pressure to keep things calm, and the feeling of responsibility for the parent’s emotions can leave you feeling drained. Some family members may distance themselves to avoid confrontation, which only deepens the disconnect and isolation, making it even harder to maintain meaningful relationships.

If you’re in this situation, I want to recognize how overwhelming it can be. The exhaustion, confusion, and constant pressure to keep the peace can feel like way too much to handle. But remember, you’re not alone in this. There are ways to set healthy boundaries and find support, whether through therapy or talking to trusted friends and family. By seeking help, your family can learn to communicate more openly and work toward healing and connection, even in challenging times.

If you relate to the emotional struggles of BPD—like the fear of abandonment or intense mood swings—you might feel isolated and question your self-worth. These feelings can make maintaining relationships seem impossible. But you don’t have to constantly feel the need to control everything or shut people out for self-preservation. With the right support, like therapy or support groups, you can learn healthier coping strategies and regain stability without sacrificing meaningful connections. Whether you’re aware you have BPD or just recognize these feelings, seeking help can guide you toward a more peaceful and fulfilling life. You’re not navigating these storms alone—there are people ready to help guide you toward calmer waters.

If you’re ready to take the next step toward healing, whether for yourself or your family, I invite you to book a consultation with Angel City Therapy. Let’s work together to bring more calm and clarity to your life. You deserve support, and there’s hope for smoother sailing ahead!

Set up a therapy appointment today with Angel City Therapy and start the journey today.

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